Homecomming Blues

Well i'm here, back home...or what use to be my home. Today I hung out with "her" why does it hurt so bad I mean I have fun with her but it's because I have fun that it hurts. There is so much I want to say to her but I can barely get a sentance out when it's just the two of us.

I think there is a large difference between us but also something that is very close to the same, but it's as if all i can feel is the pain. when she's near I can't seem to think straight, and when I think of her things just sort of fade away. I'm left very scared because I put allot of myself into this past and now, now I don't know how long it will be befor I move on or if I ever will. the hardest part is thinking of the restraints I have given myself and than thinking how she doesn't have to she can do whatever she want's when she wants with who she wants, and even though the same goes for me I just don't want to. So i will work, I will pour everything else into my work because it's the only time my head doesn't throb because of the what if questions about her.

I think i'm starting to hate this blog as well because it has become like a hideaway a place where I can say what I want and than never have to say it outloud I have just never been able to talk to many people about this sort of mixed emotions and worry so untill i find that one person that can hear all of this and still not think less of me this will be where I recored everything I hurting about

The fray

This song...there is something about this song that is just beutiful

Over My Head (Cable Car)
The Fray

I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a cue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind

Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that's disregard
Find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind

just a song I realy like and don't want to forgett about

Seperation of thought and action

So I got to thinking about this life I am living and started to concider a few things and just reflect on some others.

1) what am I willing to give up in order to pursue this goal, and altho I wont give up allot of things there are things I am realizing that I can give up.

2) what will I have to do to get there, yet again the answer is allot I am gonna start pouring everything and more into this because I have the taste and I know I want more than just a taste.

3) when will it start to show, well i supose with anything worth having it will take time and effort and I know I have the heart for it to hold on till I reach what i'm going for.

and as far as what I have thought about other than that.

1) I am lonely but you know what I am not nearly as lonely as I have tricked myself into beliving hell I know people all over the city and allot of them have helped me grow so much already.

2) this quick paced life leaves no time for you if your not on that train it will pass you buy without a second thought and I am not about to miss this one.

3) as far a being single again goes it's never easy and the weird slew of ex's getting incontact with me has forced me to review all of my relationships and I think it's time for me to shy away from that relm for a long long time see the main thing i saw that was similar to all my longer relationships was the way they ended...it was usually my call in one aspect or another and it was because I was frustraited with my life because I knew I wassent doing what I wanted to be doing and the first place I put that stress was realationships...so ya gonna shy away from that whole bit untill I am more in place with this acting gig.

Heading back to Kamloops soon so that will be emotional because it will be one of the last times I am there for a wile and there are lots of friendly faces that I just wont see anymore but the fact that I know they are there gives me allot of hope and strenght

I really look forward to where this will take me.